Case 00F234 Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric
by ElisiansBane
Summary: Ashley was so proud of herself! She got her shiny new case worker's license and a nice job at the Central Department of Human Services. But on her first day, she gets a case that almost gets her killed. She's assigned Case 00F234; Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric. Humor, Parody, Satire. OC - no romance.
1. Chapter 1

Ashley was so proud of herself! She got her shiny new case worker's license and a nice job at the Central Department of Human Services. But on her first day, she gets a case that almost gets her killed. On her first day at work, she's assigned Case 00F234; Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric. Humor, Parody, Satire. OC - no romance.

If Fullmetal Alchemist had one responsible adult, the series wouldn't have made it past episode 2.

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Ashley made sure she was spick and span for her first day at work. New outfit, perfect hair, perfect makeup. All set!

She couldn't stop the bouncy walk to the Central Department of Human Services. Four years of college and another two years for her master's finally paid off and she could look forward to a career of helping disadvantaged children and war veterans.

She walked into her office with a big smile. She became a social worker in honor of her father who passed away due to health complications and lack of resources after his service in Ishval. At his funeral, she silently dedicated her life to connecting children and soldiers to the care and benefits they needed to live fruitful and healthy lives. She would not lose another life simply to lack of services.

After completing her paperwork in human resources, Ashley spent a few minutes decorating her desk with fake flowers and a couple photos of her family. Once everything was in order, she sat down and went through the first case dropped on her desk.

"Man, they really don't waste time," Ashley mumbled as she picked up the manila envelope. It was expected. Social Services was horribly overworked and burnout was common. She steeled herself, ready to read the horror story of a soldier or child being neglected or abused.

_Case 00F234: _

_On May 24th 1904, Ms. Trisha Elric passed away from an unknown illness, locals in the area call it 'Disney syndrome.' She left behind her two sons, Edward and Alphonse Elric, without a chosen reliable care provider. Attempts to contact their father, Van Hohenheim, have proved unsuccessful. Mr. Hohenheim has failed to pay child support since 1899 and will be placed under arrest when he is apprehended. There is no evidence of financial support for either child._

Ashley snorted in disgust. "Typical deadbeat father…" She continued to read.

_Name: Edward Watson Elric_

_Age: 12_

_Height: 122cm_

_Weight: 60lbs_

_Appearance: blond hair, hazel eyes, light-skinned_

_Education: home-schooled (apparently)_

_Name: Alphonse Jason Elric_

_Age: 11_

_Height: 123cm_

_Weight: 62lbs_

_Appearance: Brown hair, brown eyes_

_Education: home-schooled (apparently)_

_Instructions:_

_Send a case worker to 2003 Nowhere Road, Risembool in Risembool County to assess the situation and provide both boys with needed financial support and an approved care provider._

"Alright," Ashley sighed to herself. She checked the date. The case worker was scheduled to arrive at the Elric house by 4pm Wednesday. Today was Monday. She groaned and immediately went to fill out her reimbursement form and pick up her train tickets.

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Risembool was in the middle of absolute nowhere. A four hour train ride brought her to the station and 'downtown.' The only other buildings were a general store, an automail shop, a pharmacy that looked like it had not passed an inspection in years, and a farming equipment store. The rest were farms.

Ashley hadn't stepped off the train and she was already bored out of her mind. "What person would willingly raise their children here?" There wasn't even a bookstore and she had yet to see anything that resembled a school. It was a stereotypical backcountry hodunk town. She was likely the only person in the town that didn't own a gun. She was determined to check on the kids and get out of here as soon as possible.

As suspected, the Elric residence was far away from 'downtown' Risembool. She had to find a generous farmer to give her a ride as she didn't feel like making the two-mile walk. By the time she arrived, it was already evening. Well past 4pm.

"I hope they're still here…" she mumbled when she reached the front door. She gave three solid knocks. "Hello? This is Ashley Burgundy. I'm with the Central Department of Human Services. I'm here for the Elric brothers?"

No answer. She knocked and then introduced herself again, remaining as professional as possible. More silence. She placed her hand on the doorknob and it was unlocked. This wasn't a good sign.

Ashley had heard horror stories of abusive and dysfunctional parents running away to avoid fines and jail time. She really hoped that wasn't the case and her worry for these poor boys only increased as she carefully entered the dark hallway.

"Hello? Anyone here?"

She heard a strange sound coming from down the hall. She rushed and found the door to the basement. She frowned in confusion when she heard something that sounded like a wind tunnel. Thinking it would be best to check, she opened the door and slowly went down the creaky old stairs and right into total chaos.

There were lightening bolts and gusts of wind that formed a small tornado in the center of the room. Ashley had to cover her eyes to block the intense blue light. She managed to open her eyes and gawked at the sight. She saw the silhouettes of two young boys kneeling over the most complicated transmutation circle she had ever seen right in the center of the lightning tornado. She heard a groaning noise and then a hysterical scream as one of the boys was being yanked into some kind of portal and the other one was on the floor covered in blood.

"What the fuck!" She screamed. Adrenaline rushing, she rushed over and fell to her knees at the injured boy's side. She nearly gagged when she noticed that the boy was missing his left leg from the mid-thigh down and was ghost white from blood loss. Another scream caught her attention and she turned around to see the other boy clawing at the floor as tiny black hands tried to drag him into the portal.

"Alphonse!" The injured boy yelled desperately. He tried to crawl to save his brother but collapsed in pain. He needed a hospital now.

Swearing, Ashley ripped her scarf off and threw it at the injured boy. "Cover your leg and stop the bleeding! Use pressure!"

Ashley didn't know if the boy heard her as she was now in a tug of war with the creepy black hands and the screaming child. She managed to get her shoe off and tried to beat the hands away, but it didn't work. She had to dig in her heels to keep the poor thing in the real world. She cursed when she tripped over what she could only describe as the ugliest twitching thing she had ever seen and was dragged into the hole with the poor boy clutching at her arms.

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When her eyes finally adjusted to the blinding light, Ashley found herself in some kind of white void with a crying boy and a weird fancy gate behind her.

Ashley had to take moment before forming a coherent thought. She blankly looked between the child, the gate, and the white void. She had no idea where or what this was and could not think of a rational way to get herself and this child back to wherever they came from.

"Welcome."

Ashley jumped with a screech and spun around to see some weird guy sitting on the ground with what could only be described as the world's most punchable grin. It would've been the world's most punchable face, but this psycho only had a mouth. She just stared at him until he spoke again.

"You are in the void, where those who seek Truth go when they play God," the psycho explained. She didn't like the smug tone of his multi-layered voice. It reminded her of an ex-boyfriend.

"Who was playing God?!" Ashley demanded. The psycho pointed at the little boy hiding behind her.

"He and his brother tried to bring back the dead. They must adhere to the laws of Equivalent Exchange. Thus, this one lost his body and the other lost his leg."

Equivalent exchange. She knew of the philosophy practiced by alchemists. It was a black and white belief that in exchange for something, something of equal value must be given. Pretty straight forward, if not overly simplistic in her mind. The only time she ever saw it used was when alchemists wanted to sound more woke than they actually were.

She decided to humor this...thing and ask it what it meant. Maybe she could buy some time and she can worry about the other kid, who must be in incredible pain and needed serious medical attention. "Are you referring to Equivalent Exchange? I'm not an alchemist so you must explain it to me."

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange." Punchable explained. "The soul is , the Elrics had no means to produce an equivalent offer."

Ashley used to read think pieces in the newspapers about the validity of Equivalent Exchange. There was debate as to what constituted the value of something and how it could be determined. In practice, alchemy was the transformation of compounds into something else. Some scholars argued that this type of transmutation is not a sacrifice, i.e. equivalent exchange if one is just rearranging some compounds into something else.

Maybe she could use this to her advantage.

She turned to the frightened boy. "Sweetpea?" She said in her most gentle voice. "Can you tell me what you were trying to do? And what's your name?"

The boy sniffled and collected himself. "I'm...Alphonse. Brother and I were trying to bring our mother back from the dead. She's all we had."

That broke Ashley's heart, which made her even more determined to get these boys away from this asshole.

Ashley turned her attention back to Punchable. She thought for a long time, frowning at her vague knowledge of alchemy. A light bulb went off above her head. She had one tool at her disposal - ARGUING!

Ashley steeled herself into Serious Case Worker Mode, a mode reserved for particularly difficult clients and their disregard for basic public policy.

"That's how it works?" Ashley asked. Punchable nodded, still grinning. Now confirmed, she made her first argument. "So if a human soul is priceless, then how is this boy here and his brother is missing his leg?"

"That is their sacrifice," Mr. Punchable responded annoyedly.

"Okay, but if that's their sacrifice, then the soul does have a price." She argued. "If the soul was priceless then there was no reason to take one and rip the other's leg off. It should've just gone 'poof' and nothing happen. Like how a maxed out credit card gets declined."

"No, the soul is priceless. It cannot be exchanged for something earthly," Punchable frowned.

"Then what is equal to a soul?" She continued, wracking her brain for that one philosophy class she took in college. "If the soul is priceless, then that means there's a point of reference - a baseline. There are set values for certain things, so at what point does a soul become priceless?"

"I just said nothing is equal to a soul," the thing repeated.

"But is has to be!" Ashley argued. "You took this boy and his brother's leg because they tried to retrieve their mother's soul. So a soul is worth a body plus one leg."

"That...That's not how it works!" The thing protested. It's cheshire grin was now a stretched frown. "They tried to bring back their mother's soul and create a human body!"

Ashley looked around as if the answer was floating in the endless whiteness. She kept her cool and tried to think of something fast. This might be grasping at straws, but it was all she could think of. "How much is a body worth?"

Punchable paused. "A body?"

"Yes, a body is a bunch of stuff put together. Isn't it separate from a soul? You can have a body with no soul. That's why dead people are buried." She crossed her arms to make it look like she knew what she was talking about.

"O-k-a-a-a-ay?" Punchable drawled. She could tell he was getting really annoyed. She didn't know if this thing was God or whatever, but he had a very clear set of rules, so she needed to figure out how to use those rules against him. He waited for her to continue.

Shoot. Ashley didn't think this far. She glanced down to see she still had her purse. She opened it and was relieved to see her notebook and a pen. She pulled them out and turned to Alphonse, who was now standing directly behind her with the biggest brown eyes she had ever seen and looking ridiculously cute. She resisted the urge to squeeze him into her boobs and bake him cookies. She could do that when they got back.

She cleared her throat and then turned to the little boy. "Baby doll? You were making a body right?"

Alphonse nodded. She scribbled his response on the notebook. "Can you tell me what a body is made of, sweetpea?"

Alphonse shuffled nervously. He looked up at Ashley and she gave him a comforting smile. After thinking for a bit, he finally replied. "Water - thirty-five liters; Carbon - twenty kilograms; Ammonia - four liters; Lime - one and a half kilograms; Phosphorous - eight-hundred grams; Salt - two hundred and fifty grams; Saltpeter - one hundred grams; Sulfur - eighty grams; Fluorine - seven and a half grams; Iron - five grams; Silicon - three grams, and fifteen traces of other elements."

Alphonse rattled them off like they were tattooed inside his eyelids. Ashley kept her face neutral while she wrote down what was apparently the human body recipe, but inside she was aghast.

'What parent allows their child access to saltpeter?!' Ashley thought to herself. 'That crap goes in fireworks and gunpowder! Silicon is for breast implants, and ammonia is downright toxic! Excuse me, but the label says 'keep out of reach of children' for a reason!' She let out an irritated huff as she finished writing.

"Why do you want to know?" Punchable asked impatiently.

Ashley ignored him and kept her attention on Alphonse. "Okay, sweetpea. Where did you get that stuff and how much did you pay for it?"

"What does that have to do with anything!?" Punchable yelled.

She turned to him with an irritated sigh. "Sir, I am trying to assess the situation so I can get this child and his brother help. But if you keep interrupting, this will take longer." She looked back at Alphonse. "How much, my dear?"

"Uuhh...I don't really know," Alphonse meekly replied. "Brother bought all of it from the general store. He didn't keep the receipt."

"What idiot sells -" she stopped herself, now was not the time. "Try to remember, honey."

"It was like - twenty bucks, I think?" Alphonse said after a pause.

"Alrighty…" Ashley fished her wallet out and pulled out a few bills. After counting, she handed Punchable twenty bucks.

Punchable just blankly stared at it. "What is this?"

"That's money for a human body," Ashley spoke as if it were obvious. "In exchange for this boy's body, I'm paying you twenty cenz."

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with twenty cenz!?" Punchable protested.

Ashley shrugged. "You can buy another human body."

"I just told you that's not how it works!" Punchable yelled.

"Yes it does!" She retorted. "You said a soul was priceless, but clearly there's a price because you took a child's body and another child's leg! Thus, as a separate transaction between you and me, I'm offering twenty cenz in exchange for this boy's body and his brother's leg so we can go the hell home."

"That's not!-"

"I'm actually being generous," Ashley said sternly. "From what I can tell, twenty cenz gets you the compounds needed to make an adult human body. This is a child's body. You're turning a profit."

Punchable made a growling noise. Taking it as a sign that she had this idiot on the ropes, Ashley continued. "Let's take a look at value. I'm not gonna teach you economics, because I'm sure such an all-knowing Truth wouldn't need little old me to explain. Alright, so a gallon of milk is one cenz. The price is determined by the store owner on where and how he got the milk and the quality. The price of the milk also takes into consideration the time, labor, and profit, all of that equals one cenz per gallon of milk. _One cenz._This boy said that he paid twenty cenz for the ingredients of a human body. A human body is worth twenty cenz." She nudged the money further towards Punchable. "Here's twenty cenz for the kid and because I don't have time or patience to negotiate the price as it's a child's body, I'm taking the other kid's leg too as part of the bargain."

"You arrogant, impetuous little-"

"Honestly, I should be paying their mother, because she actually put in the work," Ashley said dryly.

"I cannot believe you would actually think that!" Punchable lost his temper. He actually stood with his hands in tight fists at his sides. Though he still only came to just below Ashley's chest. "This isn't some simple purchase at store! This is the philosophy of life and the human experience. This is the validity of human existence and to prove that there is a form of being that goes beyond human understanding! And you're equating that to a gallon of milk!?"

Ashley didn't back down and matched his pitch. "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return! To obtain, something of equal value must be lost! That is Alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange, asshole!" She jabbed her finger at Punchable and described her reasoning. "You took someone's body and leg in exchange for a human transmutation, which included transmuting a body and a soul. It was decided that a woman's body and soul were worth a kid's body and leg. The raw ingredients for a human body is twenty cenz, a human body is thus twenty cenz, transmuting a human body is still twenty cenz, thus a human body is worth a body and a leg. Because these boys paid for the raw ingredients of a human body, you get twenty cenz. The value never changed."

She stood over the much shorter Punchable Truth. "By your own rules, this boy's body and his brother's leg are twenty cenz. Here's twenty cenz. Can we go home now?"

Punchable just sputtered, he tried to form one sentence before cutting himself off and trying to form another one to no avail.

Ashley was so done and over with this! She squatted down to look this dipshit in where she assumed his eyes were. "I just thought of something. Equivalent exchange implies that both parties must come to a mutual agreement to the value of what's being exchanged. Mutual agreement requires mutual consent. This requires a maturity and nuance that two children wouldn't understand. You knowingly took advantage of two children's' ignorance of this philosophy and its rules just to be an asshole. You did not receive their consent, because they are incapable of giving mutual consent due to their immaturity and ignorance. That's child exploitation and manipulation. I'm being super generous by not reporting you to the authorities."

Punchable was speechless. If he had eyes, they would be wide as dinner plates and twitching. Ashley kept herself from smirking triumphantly. "You want me to throw in attempted murder? I can do that too, if you keep wasting everyone's time."

"You can't have me arrested!" Punchable protested adamantly. Ashley felt a rattle in the void but remained strong. "What makes you think I can be arrested?!"

"Won't stop me from trying," Ashley said with a shrug. "I am a caseworker for the Central Department of Human Services. I vowed to protect those who can't protect themselves. I am protecting these boys." She cocked her hip to the side and crossed her arms in a position inspired by her mother when her father really dropped the ball. She yanked out another five cenz.

"In exchange for twenty-five cenz, you will give this boy's body back, his brother's leg back, and let us go through the portal thing and back to our world."

"I cannot believe you would think that would work! If I let you go, it'll completely negate the entire idea of equivalent exchange! Human transmutation is forbidden! If you go back, then everyone will start doing it because they can bring back the dead with a gallon of milk!" Punchable screeched as his entire policy unwove itself right before his eyes.

"Not my problem…Now, may we go or do we have to review this topic again?"

"Oh. My. Me! FINE!" Punchable waved his hand and the huge gate opened to show a giant purple eye staring at them in confusion. "Anything! Just never let me see you again!"

"Sure, you get that for free," Ashley grinned and dropped the money on the ground. She picked up a blank-faced Alphonse and put him on her hip as they walked through the gate. Another thought came to her. She turned to the exasperated Punchable Truth. "I expect to see the other boy's leg attached with all his blood or I'll find a way-"

"YESSSSS! Please just get the fuck out my face!"

"Thank you for your time, sir," Ashley smiled smugly and took them home.

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Ashley stumbled into the basement, trying not to drop Alphonse. She fell anyway as Alphonse leapt from her arms and ran to his brother's side. "Edward! Brother! Are you alright!?"

Ashley got up to see if Edward was still alive. To her relief, he appeared fine, though barely conscious and pale. His leg was back where it needed to be. She carefully knelt beside a crying Alphonse and checked Edward's vitals. She was more relieved to find a pulse, steady breathing, and no sign of hypovolemic shock. Good, she didn't have to rip open that portal and give Punchable Truth a word.

"Edward Elric? Sweetpea?" She gently tapped Edward's cheek to wake him.

"Don't call me a pea…" Edward drawled as he returned to the world of the living.

"Okay, my dear," Ashley said happily, moving to pick up Edward to carry him upstairs. "Let's get you help, okay?"

Edward mumbled something, but still curled into her chest. He was adorable too, in a feisty sort of way. She called out to Alphonse who obediently followed her upstairs.

As Ashley feared, the closest thing to a nearby hospital was that wanky pharmacy. Along the way, the boys brokenly told her about how their mother caught this tuberculosis-like illness and died due to lack of a qualified doctor. She had to fight the tears. Everyone in this town was an asshole for failing to actually look after these poor babies. She would fix that immediately.

Without much of a choice, Ashley got the pharmacist to get her some ibuprofen, multivitamins, and red meat. This should give her enough time to get the boys to the next town for some proper medical attention.

On their way to the train station, Ashley bought as much candy as possible for her sweetpeas. She also bought ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. Once everything cooled down, she'd take them to the zoo as Alphonse told her he loved animals and then bake them some delicious home-cooked cookies and whatever else they wanted. These babies had been through absolute hell so they deserved whatever they could get. They were so cute, she didn't think she could say no.

In that moment, Ashley swore she would find the Elric brothers a suitable foster home _not_ in Risembool and regularly check up on them to ensure a healthy recovery and a happy life for them.

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Thank you for reading! I chuckled as I wrote this, so I hope it brought you chuckles as you read it.

Let's take a moment to thank the social workers and case managers who work to bring the needed resources and help neglected and abused children find loving homes and live good, healthy, happy lives.

Ashley is lovingly named after and based on a close friend, who is a social worker for Child Protection Services and is dedicated to what she does.

This oneshot was inspired by an interesting article written in 2016 by Philo Skepsi called "Why Equivalent Exchange Doesn't Work" that presents some interesting arguments against equivalent exchange. I recommend it.

This is supposed to be part one of a series called "If FMA Had One Responsible Adult." A series inspired by discussions between myself and friends about how so much could've been prevented if there was one responsible, law-abiding adult in FMA.

Thanks for reading! EB


	2. Chapter 2

Ashley looked forward to visiting the Elric Brothers in their new foster home in Dublith. The letters from them indicated that they were happy and healthy. And then she got there…

"Where are Edward and Alphonse?"

"They're out discovering the meaning of 'all is one, one is all."

Warnings: Cursing

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Ashley was so happy to be off that train. The post-storm air was fresh and cool in Dublith. There was still a tiny drizzle, but it was welcome after that uncomfortable train ride. The humid summer heat made the cabin almost unbearable. She estimated that she downed at least three liters of cold water based on how often she had to go to the restroom during the trip.

The town of Dublith was a four hour train ride from Central in the southern district of Amestris. It had a mild climate, decent schools, a strong economy, and a plethora of resources perfect for raising two young boys.

Since the incident in Risembool, Ashley made it her personal mission to ensure that the Elric boys were given a loving home, an education, and happiness. Because the boys' love of alchemy wouldn't go away despite what happened, Ashley thought it a good idea to find them a foster home with a trained alchemist who could safely teach them in the art. When she reviewed the profiles of different foster homes, the Curtis home came up and felt like a perfect fit as it had a master alchemist. It was perfect on paper.

When she met the Curtises, they seemed perfectly fine, if not a little quirky, but that was all alchemists so she didn't bat an eye. Edward and Alphonse hit it off with Izumi, talking nonstop about her endless collection of alchemy books. The boys even had positive male role models in Mr. Curtis and the apprentice Mason. Ashley wished of Mason becoming an adoptive big brother to the boys and Sig would be the father they never had.

So it was with ultimate positivity that she appeared before the Curtis home with her review forms and interview questions just to check in to see how things were going. Because of the positive letters from the boys, she was confident this was just procedure and there was nothing to worry about.

She was greeted at the door by Mr. Curtis, who gave her what she hoped was a smile before stepping aside to let her in.

She always found Sig to be a little odd. He was clearly a good provider and complimented his wife perfectly. He reminded her of those giant bodyguards that followed government leaders around. Sig was serious and often defaulted to his wife when it came to most matters, especially for the boys. No worries. He was no threat. If anything, it was Mrs. Curtis who invited more concern. Ashley found her to be...temperamental. She was incredibly intelligent and deeply cared for the boys from what Ashley knew, but there was just this feeling that she treated the boys as older and more physically capable than they actually were.

But as long as her sweetpeas were happy, she was happy.

Sig led her to the house behind their butcher shop. She nodded when he stepped aside to let her in. She set down the box of chocolate chip cookies that the boys specifically requested on the kitchen table to greet the Curtis couple as Izumi walked into the kitchen.

"Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Curtis," Ashley greeted cheerfully. "I've come for my six month check in to see how the boys are doing."

She immediately noticed Sig stiffen, but Izumi appeared perfectly relaxed. "Sure. They're doing perfectly. They've taken to their alchemy like fish to water."

"That's excellent!" Ashley smiled. She paused to pull out her notebook, some paperwork for the Curtis to fill, and an assessment form for her to fill out as she went about her inspection. "As I'm sure you know, this is an unannounced visit so I hope this is a good time. It's pretty simple, I just need you to give me a tour of the home, show me documentation of the boys' education, what they're teachers say and so on. It should be pretty quick."

Mrs. Curtis gave a relaxed shrug and invited Ashley to tour the home. As she went through each room, Ashley only grew even more pleased as Mrs. Curtis showed how she kept a safe and happy home for the boys. All the while, Mrs. Curtis told stories of the boys and how they were adjusting.

Edward was a troublemaker, but excelled at mathematics, geometry, physics, and, of course, alchemy. Edward's teachers were impressed with his quick learning and confidence. Though he had a habit of ending up in the principal's office for getting into fights on the playground. Izumi mentioned that they all had to do with someone bothering Alphonse. Ashley nodded and made a note. She planned to visit the boys' school anyway and could mention it to the principal. Perhaps Edward would benefit from extracurricular activities to help him socialize better.

Alphonse was an angel, but that didn't surprise anyone. He excelled in the same topics as Edward, and took a liking to art and music. The teachers raved about him. Alphonse mentioned to Izumi about joining the kids' soccer team and Ashley thought that would be an excellent idea. The only hiccup was that Alphonse was very dependent on his brother and showed no interest in making other friends. Again, Ashley was confident that soccer and other extracurricular activities would help both boys with socialization.

After the tour, they returned to the living room and Sig gave Ashley a cup of tea as they sat to discuss the check in.

"I must say, Mr and Mrs. Curtis that you have been a great improvement to the boys," Ashley smiled and then sipped her tea. "The boys send me letters all the time about how well they're doing and how they enjoy your tutelage in alchemy."

Izumi grinned. "Of course, they're little brats, but they got their shit together real fast when they moved in."

Ashley ignored the crass language. "Edward mentioned in a letter that you were teaching them alchemy as well as martial arts? How is that going?"

"They're doing fine, a little slow, but fine," Izumi sipped her tea and continued. "Ed likes to get in over his head so he's a bit of a pain. Alphonse, and this isn't surprising, is very attentive. They like to team up. Once, they managed to pin me."

The thought of the Elric brothers pinning down a grown woman was amusing. Ashley chuckled quietly. "They are a great team. I wouldn't expect less." Then she changed her tone to slightly more serious. "Edward did mention that you body-slammed him into the ground while sparring. He complained of his shoulder hurting. Can you explain that a little more for me?"

Izumi hesitated. Sig coughed where he sat beside his wife. "Ah well, he likes to add drama. It was a simple sparring match, no one was hurt. I did give him first aid and he recovered in a few days."

Ashley took out her notebook and wrote what Izumi said. She looked up at the couple. "That's good to hear. I do worry though that you might be too hard on them. Alphonse has mentioned similar things. That's mainly why I made an unannounced visit. The CDHS requires that any complaints of injury should be investigated."

"That's perfectly understandable," Izumi replied casually. "The boys like to play rough, but I make it a point to do no lasting harm. But learning hand-to-hand combat does mean some minor bumps at times. My goal is to not just make the boys great alchemists, but teach them how to defend themselves without the use of alchemy. Alchemy isn't everything, you know."

"That's fair," Ashley nodded and noted it in her book. She noticed the clock on a bookshelf. "Oh! Aren't the boys getting out of school now? I'd like to talk to them before I go. I can wait until you bring them back." This time, Ashley noticed Izumi's husband glance at the window. Ashley frowned suspiciously, but waited for them to explain.

"They're out with Mason…" Sig spoke for the first time in his usual dry tone.

Ashley maintained her positivity. "Oh? That's lovely! When will they be back?"

"Mason took them camping," Izumi added. This only irked Ashley's suspicion further.

"When will they get back from camping?" she pressed.

Izumi remained unapologetically blase. "In a couple of days. It's part of their alchemy training. They must learn the meaning of 'one is all, all is one' or I won't teach them alchemy again." 

"What's that?" Ashley asked, curiosity piqued at why such a lesson would mean the end of the boys' alchemy training.

"We are all part of the same existence. Our being is part of a greater reality and to understand that is to understand alchemy in all its forms," Izumi explained with the airiness of a poet. "For them to become legitimate alchemists, they must understand they're place in the world and the circle of life."

Ashley blinked. "Oh...that's quite philosophical. I hate to trouble you, but I must-"

Ashley startled when the front door swung open and was followed by a boisterous yell.

"Hey, Mrs. Izumi!" Mason bellowed as he made his way down the hall. "I'm back. Damn, you should've seen them this time! Eddie damn near pissed himself when I had him by the shirt! Alphonse was actually praying. They're gonna need some serious therapy when this is-"

Mason froze on the spot when he came around the corner and locked gazes with Ashley. "Oh, shit…"

Ashley trained herself into an air of calm. She didn't want to jump to conclusions. Clearly, he must be returning from a trip with the boys. They were likely outside and about to come in - yes, that was it. She straightened her shoulders and gave a small smile. "Hello, Mason. How are you doing?"

"I-I'm a'ight," Mason said with a nervous cough. He glanced behind Ashley at Izumi and Sig, who remained silent.

"You were out with the boys?" Ashley prompted. "I'm here for their check in."

"Uh-yeah!" Mason tried to sound laid back. He put his hand behind his head in a parody of laid-back. "We were outside, hanging around. The boys...they like the park and we went there to play...uh...hide and seek!"

"Where are they now?" Ashley's voice became tight as her impatience and anxiety were tripped. She would give this dumb meathead one more chance to explain where the boys were and why Sig refused to make eye contact when Ashley glanced back at the Curtises for any explanation.

"I dropped them off at a friend's?" Mason was looking at Izumi for help.

Ashley looked back at Izumi, who just frowned and remained stony. Ashley knew the odd alchemist was intimidating and she would never want to meet Izumi in a dark alley at night, but she had to remain strong. Ashley breathed deeply, fighting the anxiety that was growing into panic as Edward's supposed overdramatized descriptions of being body-slammed by a grown-ass woman kept replaying in her mind.

"Mr and Mrs. Curtis," Ashley said clippedly. _"Where are the Elric brothers?"_

If Izumi was at all concerned that Ashley was increasingly agitated then she didn't show it. Honestly, she didn't back down from Ashley's narrowed gaze. "It's part of their training. When I was a young alchemist, I spent time in nature learning to survive and understand the meaning of life. My teacher at the time wouldn't make me on as his apprentice until I fully understood the meaning of how we are all one and we are all connected. This is the principle behind alchemy and its abilities to change our perception of the world and to truly understand the rewards of our sacrifice. If the boys wish to become powerful alchemists, they need to learn this as soon as possible. Otherwise, their training is pointless."

Ashley didn't hear anything Izumi said after the word 'survive.' She processed the word in her mind along with several worrying scenarios until Izumi finished her speech and watched her expectantly.

"So…" Izumi continued like she didn't understand the big deal when Ashley remained quiet. "They will return just fine."

"Mrs. Curtis," Ashley said sternly. "I asked you where the boys were, not your sanctimonious half-assed explanation of the human experience."

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"Edward! Alphonse! Where are you!?"

When Mrs. Curtis finally told Ashley the boys were 'camping' on a small island outside of downtown unsupervised, the social worker screeched that she would see the couple in court as she leapt from her spot to go find the boys. She dragged the couple and that meathead Mason with her to help search after she threatened to have him arrested for assault. Luckily there was only one small island in Dublith so it didn't take long for them to get there.

"Edward! Alphonse!" Ashley called while lumbering through the muddy island in heels. She swore viciously when her foot sank into a mud puddle left over from the recent storm.

Mason walked meekly behind her, occasionally calling out but always looking back at her like she would attack him if those boys weren't found in one piece. Which was true. The Curtises were a little ways away rummaging through some brush while sending sharp glances back at Ashley like she was being irrational.

"I cannot believe you thought this was a good idea!" Ashley snarled as she continued to lumber through the brush. "How does leaving two babies on an island in the middle of a category two hurricane teach them about life!? And when they're supposed to be in school!"

"They aren't babies! Those boys wanted to be alchemists! This is what being an alchemist is!" Izumi growled. "Alchemy isn't for children, so they needed to grow before they could truly begin their training."

Ashley spun around with a snarl. "If I had known that, I would never have moved them in with you! And how did you come to the conclusion that leaving them on an island for a fucking month would teach them the meaning of life?!"

"A non-alchemist wouldn't understand," Izumi snubbed. Ashley's eyebrow twitched. "Alchemy is a powerful force that culminates into the existence of all beings. It's the meaning of existence. Our lives are but one moment in existence. When we die, our bodies return to the earth and the cycle continues. A classroom and books won't teach them that."

"But leaving them to starve to death during weeks of torrential rain will?" Ashley asked dryly. "Also, what kind of pseudo-philosophical bullpucky is that?! Did you read that out of a horoscope?" Ashley jabbed a finger at Mason. "And how is this thug beating them supposed to teach them that?!"

"Well...it wasn't my idea!" Mason nervously protested. "Ms. Izumi said it was part of their training. She's like - ex-military so I thought she knew what she was doing! She sent me to check on them once in a while to make sure they were okay, too! It was supposed to teach them self-defense!" 

Ashley swapped a mosquito with another swear. "And how does beating the shit outta them make sure they're ok?"

"I didn't beat the shit outta them!" Mason retorted. "I just roughed them up a little so they'd defend themselves. I made them fish when they couldn't hunt for shit!"

Ashley spun to pin this asshole with a cold stare. "Defend? Seriously!? Of course, they can't hunt! They've never had to!" Ashley straightened and walked up to the Curtises with revenge in her eyes. Mason was the only one decent enough to look scared. "Why - _just why_ \- was this decided to be a good way to teach them anything! Edward sleeps with a nightlight! Alphonse is afraid of creepy-crawlies! _They wear footie pajamas!_ What about that made you think they could survive alone for weeks on an island!?"

"I thought it was time they grew out of that," Izumi said with narrowed eyes. She faced Ashley who didn't back down, despite being a little nervous. "Instead of judging my child-rearing methods, why don't we just focus on getting the boys?" 

Ashley growled and turned around to continue the search. "I cannot believe you! Just-just-I don't know! It should be so obvious, but here we are searching for these kids and they're probably dead or-or...If they're dead, I'm going to drag all of you to that eyeless truth demon-god asshole thing and force him to trade you for my sweetpeas!"

Izumi paused. "Truth? You met Truth?"

Ashley huffed, she wasn't even looking at the Curtises as she continued stomping through the foliage. "Yeah, the jerk thought he could take advantage of the boys and steal their bodies. He stole Ed's leg and took Al's entire body! What's he gonna do with a little boy's body? I call pedophile!"

"How'd you survive?" Izumi demanded as she followed her. "That should be impossible for someone who doesn't even know alchemy!"

"I gave him twenty-five cenz," Ashley said casually and didn't notice the shocked expression on Izumi's face.

After another half-hour of searching, they happened upon a makeshift campsite right when Ashley was ready to call the cops and have the Curtises arrested. It was a tiny fire pit with a stick propped up holding a fish skeleton. The tiny slither of smoke from the ashes meant the Elric brothers couldn't be far.

"Alphonse! Edward!" Ashley screamed as loud as possible. "It's Ms. Ashley! I'm here to take you home!"

She walked down what looked like a path, but in her haste didn't notice the leaves carefully laid on the ground and fell into a trap.

"Son of a fucking _BIITTCCHH!"_ She swore and scared a poor flock of birds that escaped as quickly as possible. She froze when she heard rustling in the nearby bushes and her black rage was replaced by relieved hope.

"Ew tog meht!" A dirtied Edward jumped out from behind a tree holding a makeshift spear and completely naked except for what looked like briefs made from woven grass. "Ew tonw evrats!"

"Yay, Rehtorb!" Alphonse appeared next to Edward wearing a grass skirt and nothing else. "Ew llahs knaht eht yloh yb gnicifircas reh traeh ot eht sdog!"

Edward scoffed. "Sdog tnia od gnithon!"

The boys paused when they noticed the disgruntled ashley in their booby trap. "Sm. Yelhsa?"

"Boy!" Ashley said, almost in tears now that the boys were alive and safe! "I'm so glad we found you!"

The boys quickly rushed to help Ashley out of the pit. They smiled at her and she noticed their teeth were yellow. Completely naked, yellow teeth, significant loss of weight, and speaking in total babble - she would see the Curtises in court. But now, she embraced the boys in total joy.

She felt the boys pull away suddenly. She followed their gaze to see them staring in fright at Izumi.

"Ahhh! Nur!" The boys took off into the woods leaving behind an aghast Ashley.

"Wait! Boys! She won't hurt you!" Ashley took off after them. They ignored her and ran as fast as they could back into the bushes. Thankfully, Alphonse tripped and started crying and she was able to catch up. Somehow out of thin air, Edward's spear reappeared and Ashley immediately froze with her hands in the air.

"Ed? Honey? Everything is fine…" Ashley said gently. "We're going to take you to a hospital and then get you out of here."

"On! T'nac ew! Fi ew og kcab, ll'ew reven emoceb stsimehcla!" Ed protested.

Alphonse shakily stood up behind his brother. "Ew evah ot yats!"

'They've gone feral…' Ashley thought in horror. Weeks of living in a damn jungle robbed them of their civilization or worse...they contracted a foreign disease that ruined their cognitive function. 'Oh the months of rehabilitation they will need!'

"No, boys! We'll find you a new teacher," Ashley glared back at Izumi, who still had the nerve to look annoyed. "Someone who isn't a sociopath!"

Izumi glared back. "Hey, you need to watch who you're talking to. I've taken better care of these boys than anyone else! You said they wanted to be alchemists. Well, this is how you become a real alchemist. A pussy certified instructor won't give them that. And you treating them like newborns won't help!"

Izumi walked up to stand in Ashley's personal space, but the social worker remained strong. "All is one, one is all! Everything in the world is connected, even if they are disconnected. It is all part of one entity that defines our existence - The Universe is an all pervading entity. It is impossible to fully appreciate this truth without facing the harsh reality of life. They need to understand they're existence means nothing and the world will carry on when they're dead."

It took Ashley a couple of minutes of staring blankly at Izumi's smug expression before the now ex-foster mother's words sunk in and Ashley was absolutely offended.

"That is something a first-year fake-woke college student says after taking one philosophy class at a liberal arts college when he's trying to convince a drunk girl to fuck him!" Ashley was absolutely appalled at this woman's arrogance and her clear disregard for her legal obligations as a certified - now uncertified - foster parent.

Seeing the futility of this conversation, Ashley turned to look at the boys who watched them anxiously. Ashley calmed herself and gave the boys a reassuring smile. "Hey, sweetpeas. Ready to go home and get the fuck out of here?"

Edward and Alphonse looked at each other and nodded. "Kcuf, sey!" Edward spoke on their behalf. They both obediently filed behind Ashley and she took their hands to lead them back to the boat. Ashley was taking them to a hospital first and then calling the police to escort her when she returned to the Curtis residence to help the boys pack.

Sig and the meathead had remained silent during the exchange. They quietly helped Ashley get the boys into the boat and nervously paddled them back to the mainland while Ashley and Izumi stared maliciously at each other with two scared boys sitting between them.

"An average person wouldn't understand the nuance of alchemy," Izumi said lowly.

"Tell that to the judge and see how that goes," Ashley spat. "I honestly hope you never have children because a psycho-"

Sig, Meathead, Edward, and Alphonse's faces went white with horror. "Sm. Yelhsa - ON!"

That was the last thing Ashley remembered before her face was hit with what could only be a cinder block and everything went black.

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * *

Ashley woke up with a pitiful groan. She heard the steady beeping of a heart monitor as she tried to sit up. Her head was hurting so much she felt nauseous. She numbly reached up to feel her heavily bandaged face.

"What... the hell... happened?" She slurred. She blearily looked around the hospital room. "Ed? Al?"

"Ms. Ashley! You're alive!" Ashley finally saw Edward and Alphonse standing at the foot of her bed.

"We thought you died," Alphonse said, rushing to her side. "Don't move! The doctor said you have like, ten concussions."

"You're talking normal again," Ashley swayed when she sat up to examine the boys. Their hair was cut, their clothes were clean, and they had been thoroughly bathed.

The boys nodded. "They fed us!" Edward happily explained. Ashley could only guess that their inability to talk had to do with low blood sugar.

"Where is Izumi?" Ashley asked and checked to see if the bedroom door was shut and locked.

"Teacher went back to the house when we got you to the emergency room," Alphonse explained sadly. "She said you were wasting her time."

Ashley gritted her teeth. "I will not rest until her ass is in jail…"

"You can't put her in jail, Ms. Ashley!" Edward protested. "We need to become alchemists! It's our dream!"

"There are other ways to become an alchemist!" Ashley said exasperatedly. "That psycho is not the only alchemist. I'll find you a great teacher - just don't ever go back to her again, you hear me?! I don't need a reason to hire a search party to retrieve your bodies!"

Both boys looked down in disappointment. "Yes, Ms. Ashley..." They said in unison.

"Why do you two want to become alchemists so badly?" Ashley asked after a pause. "You can be anything else! What about chemists? That's like...alchemy for normal people."

Edward and Alphonse looked at each other awkwardly. Ashley eyed them with growing cynicism.

"We just have to…" Edward explained firmly.

If it wasn't for the excruciating pain that was making her see four boys instead of two, Ashley would have pushed them to explain further. She let it go for now as she needed to get better to write her report and get that bitch, her crazy husband, and that thug in jail.

Ashley assured herself that this was the last time she would fail her sweetpeas. She would ensure that absolutely nothing and no one would jeopardize their health and safety again!

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If FMA Had One A Responsible Adult episode two! Brownie points if you can understand Ed and Al. It's not hard.

What will happen to Ms. Ashley? Will she have Izumi arrested? Will Ed and Al become chemists? Tune in next time for episode three of If FMA Had One Responsible Adult!

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. I hope it made you smile amidst all the chaos in the world right now.

EB


End file.
